How To Nurture Your Teen Daughter’s Independence

Jun 12, 2017

We all know the stories of the dreaded teenage years. We vaguely remember how we behaved ourselves, and it is a common theme in many soaps. Children somehow transform into grumpy, unresponsive strangers somewhere between the ages of 12 and 18. But not your child, right?

The reality is, almost all children will experience some form of transformation during puberty. It is an important stage of their development. But as parents, it is very hard to come to terms with that fact, when our sweet daughter changes overnight.

One day, you aren’t funny anymore. Your advice isn’t well received. Family photos are a chore and for the first time, you start to see the back of the bedroom door. It doesn’t feel good.

Most parents are bewildered when their daughter is suddenly replaced by a bundle of attitude. In fact, most also feel angry. Why is your child acting up? Especially when you were so close? The reality is, this is a normal part of them growing up. Although it hurts, it is important not to see it as a personal rejection.

What Is Normal?

Nobody knows your kids like you do, so it is understandable to feel concerned when their behaviour changes abruptly. But there are simple ways to see if you really do have anything to worry about. Consider whether she acting out of character in other aspects of her life.

Is she sleeping well?
Is she still polite to other adults?
Is she still enjoying the same social group?
Is she still fulfilling her responsibilities?
Has her appetite remained consistent?

If the answer to these is yes, and most of her ‘attitude’ is aimed towards you, then chances are, this behaviour is totally normal. The sudden desires to hide out in her bedroom, and treat your home like a hotel, are all part of growing up.

Practice Run

She is probably not consciously aware of the fact, but distancing herself from you parents, is much like a practice run for living alone. It is as though she wants to climb out of the nest and do her own thing at the end of the branch, without having to risk leaping from the tree just yet. The safety and security of your home are still there to keep her stable, but she doesn’t want to be ‘mothered’ anymore.

In fact, your loving gestures may even become excruciatingly annoying to her. The trouble is, she probably won’t be able to verbalise this to you. She won’t understand why she has the urge to avoid you as much as possible. And of course, this is very painful for parents.

Mourning The Early Years

We mentioned earlier, that many parents react in anger to their daughter’s new sullen behaviour. While this is understandable to some degree, anger will only serve to drive a deeper wedge in the family. Instead of getting mad, try to recognise that the younger years have almost been successfully completed. You have nurtured your child up to this amazing point, where they are testing out being an adult. You should feel proud in many ways, but of course, this also marks the end of an era. Childhood is coming to an end. This is a deeply upsetting realisation for many parents, who miss those early, affectionate years.

The great news is, your teenage daughter still needs you right now. And you are entering a new phase, with a new set of rules on how to connect with her.

Privacy

One hurdle that can be tricky for some parents to overcome, is the sudden increased need that their teen daughter has for privacy. Closed doors can lead to feelings that she is being sneaky, or is up to no good. This can be very damaging, as suspicion about what your daughter is doing can alienate her further, and feel like an insult. By this age, your daughter should have a good handle on rights and wrongs, and how to stay safe and respect herself. So this is your opportunity to trust her to make her own decisions to an extent. It is important that she has a chance to test her own judgement and make mistakes herself, as these are powerful lessons. It is a huge advantage if she can do this under the safety of your roof.

Family Time

You may feel resentful that your daughter only comes to you for one of three reasons:

food
money
transport

Again, this is symbolic of her need to branch out alone. However, designated family time is still extremely important. In fact, studies suggest that those teens which appear to really shut down during family time could be the ones that need it most.

It is easier to establish a regular routine for family activities if this has been part of your lives since before the teen transformation took place. However, there are ways to make it work even if it is new to your family. Why not allow each family member to have a turn in deciding the activity - and remember to remain open to their suggestions! Some typical options are: a meal out together, movies or game nights. One-on-one parent time is often well received and even enjoyed by seemingly reluctant teens.

The benefits of family bonding time are many for teens, with studies suggesting that it is good for their mental health and even their grades.

Grown-Up Bonding

So perhaps you won’t have a little face to lick the spoon while you bake cakes anymore, but with a little imagination, you can build a new connection with your young adult. One opportunity not to be missed is time in the car. Offer to collect your daughter and even her friends from sports and nights out. If you keep your own interjections to a minimum, you can use this time to experience the dynamics within the peers. It is a chance to have a great insight into your daughter’s life.

Grown-up bonding means just that, treating her like a young adult. Respecting her boundaries and her time. Treating her like you would any other adult family member. Keep this in mind when asking questions. Is it the right time to ask? Are you prying? Do you have a genuine interest? If you ask questions respectfully, you may find that you prevent her from clamming up into her shell.

Be sure to remember that being treated like an adult means that she must also behave like an adult too, to some degree. That means you must stand your ground when she is impolite or disrespectful to you. Don’t drop everything to ferry her to and from social activities if she has been rude to you. You are still the parent, and these are lessons that must be learned. Don’t shy away from this and make the mistake of wanting to be her friend at any cost.

Conclusion

Nurturing your young teen’s independence can be extremely hard for many parents. But the overwhelming desire to keep her safe and under your watchful eye can result in pushing her further away. It is important to maintain the perspective that her new, distant behaviour is a normal part of development. It is also normal to feel hurt and even angry by it. But it is your responsibility to deal with the emotions that the transition brings up for you.

While watching your little girl become a young lady before your eyes means saying goodbye to her childhood, it is also an opportunity to find new ways to bond. The ideal balance would include affording her the privacy to practice living without you, to try out some independent decisions and discover her own preferences while she has the security of your guidance when she needs it. However, try not to be tempted to let rules around respect slide, even if she is already distant from you. It really is possible to nurture her fledgeling independence, allowing her to test her wings while forging a new bond with your teen daughter.