What You Need To Know About The Behaviour Your Teenage Daughter Is Demonstrating

Jun 29, 2017

One of the biggest conundrums of parenthood is watching your bright, capable teen daughter act in completely foolish and unexpected ways, out her typical character and contrary to her upbringing. It can be astonishing to witness her dressing provocatively, portraying an inappropriate image on social media, being downright mean to lifelong friends… or even dabbling in dangerous, or illegal activities.

In a recent blog post, we looked at the way that girls’ behaviour can change as they test out their independence properly for the first time. While it can be difficult for parents to accept that their little girl is outgrowing the nest, it can be far more challenging to understand why her judgement suddenly seems to fly out of the window at the very same moment that she is pushing you away.

Development Stages

Something that many parents don’t take into account is the fact that young people progress through their teen years in stages, much like they did as a toddler. Development happens in jumps and starts. It is uneven and seemingly paradoxical at times. Your teen daughter may reject you in many areas, even though she is still clingy at times. She might be very competent in lots of ways, and totally needy in others.

The difference with your teenager’s development milestones, is that they aren’t cute and cuddly like when she was a toddler. You probably don’t sit around at coffee mornings chatting about menstruation and acne like you may have when she took her first steps or cut a tooth. She certainly wouldn’t thank you for discussing and comparing her private details, so it can leave parents feeling baffled.  

You may find yourself equally surprised by the incredible things that she has mastered, as by the apparently simple things that she just won’t try. Your daughter is certainly leaving childhood, but chances are, it isn’t happening in a tidy, linear pattern. Sometimes, her actions can leave you wondering if she has lost her mind altogether.

GroupThink

Hopefully, it will be of some comfort to hear that acting foolishly is to be expected in many ways. It is not an indication of your failure as a parent, but rather, the fact that her brain is busy rewiring itself, and of course, the increased importance of your daughter’s peer group.

You may have heard of GroupThink, a psychological term that explains the internal dynamics of the teenage peer group very accurately. Janis et al explains Groupthink in the following excerpt from a 1972 publication.

Groupthink, occurs when a group makes faulty decisions because group pressures lead to a deterioration of “mental efficiency, reality testing, and moral judgment”.  Groups affected by groupthink ignore alternatives and tend to take irrational actions that dehumanise other groups.  A group is especially vulnerable to groupthink when its members are similar in background, when the group is insulated from outside opinions, and when there are no clear rules for decision making.

Symptoms of Groupthink

1. Illusion of invulnerability – Creates excessive optimism that encourages taking extreme risks.

2. Collective rationalisation – Members discount warnings and do not reconsider their assumptions.

3. Belief in inherent morality – Members believe in the rightness of their cause and therefore ignore the ethical or moral consequences of their decisions.

4. Stereotyped views of out-groups – Negative views of “enemy” make effective responses to conflict seem unnecessary.

5. Direct pressure on dissenters – Members are under pressure not to express arguments against any of the group’s views.

6. Self-censorship – Doubts and deviations from the perceived group consensus are not expressed.

7. Illusion of unanimity – The majority view and judgments are assumed to be unanimous.

8. Self-appointed ‘mindguards’ – Members protect the group and the leader from information that is problematic or contradictory to the group’s cohesiveness, view, and/or decisions.

Sound familiar?

Groupthink is most powerful when the individuals within the group are insecure. Teenage girls are notorious for this, they are particularly vulnerable to pressure to fit in, and that can be enough to make them behave in ways that you may consider inappropriate.

Popularity Trap

Understanding the pressure to fit in can help to explain why teenage girls may engage in inappropriate behaviours. Their friends become everything, replacing the close family bonds that are gradually loosening, and providing a training ground for ‘grown-up’ conflict resolution, communication and relationship building.

However, we also see some girls forgoing their long-term friendships to the lure of making friends with the ‘popular’ crowd. Popularity is the ultimate power for teen girls, and some will ditch their morals for a taste of it.

The problem is, that popularity does not always equate to likability. As with many adults across the globe, assertiveness also comes with a dose of aggressiveness. The popular girls can often be bossy and unkind, while they try to learn how to manage their authority. Many girls get caught up with the adoring, slightly fearful fan club of the popular girl, trying desperately to win her favour, and remain on her good side.

Younger teens are particularly vulnerable to this situation. The thought of being ostracised causes enormous fear, and the feeling of being accepted by their peers is extremely rewarding. This balance of factors can lead to girls behaving differently to their normal moral code.

This is usually the root cause of your teen daughter suddenly dressing provocatively, lying, using bad language and generally trying to look cool. Often she is really playing ‘dress-up’, trying on a new persona to see how it feels.

How You Can Help

Now that you understand the underlying reasons for the ‘foolish’ behaviours that your teen daughter is exhibiting, you probably want to find out what you can do about it. Consider trying the following suggestions.

• The fundamental key here is to have patience with your daughter, and try not to get frustrated. Remember that teens develop their ‘adult’ skills in stages, which happen at their own pace.
• Stop being judgemental. If you want to keep the lines of communication open between you, hold back on judgemental comments when she tests out new behaviours. However, do not allow her to behave rudely. You are still the parent and must enforce your rules.
• Take note of the areas where she seems to lack confidence and help her to develop skills to cope. She will probably resist facing the weak points, but it will improve with practice. Work around her reluctance by being patient, and showing her where she can transfer skills that she has already mastered.
• Support her skills as she tests them and practices. Maybe show her how you would deal with a situation first and gradually step back to allow her to do it alone. Typical circumstances that teenage girls might struggle with include dealing with an adult outside of the family and telephone etiquette. While teens are often addicted to their mobile phones, it is rarely because they are talking on them!
• Give her an ‘easy out’ for times that bad situations arise. If her peer group makes a decision to do something risky, and she feels out of her depth or uncomfortable, it can be useful if she can blame you for her refusal to take part. Even if it is not true. Her need to save face with the peer group is great, and if she has such a strategy to avoid bad decisions it can be very useful.
• Embrace and enjoy the opportunity to help your burgeoning adult. And above all, never give her a reason to regret asking for your help. If you make yourself unapproachable, she may choose to exclude you from difficulties she faces in the future.

Conclusion

This post has identified the motivations behind some of the more foolish behaviours that teenagers might exhibit. When young women start the journey from childhood to womanhood, they usually follow a complicated path of twists and turns. Their inner voice of reason and the outer voice of their parents are drowned out beneath the other forces at play. They will likely experience huge pressure from their peer group as well as struggling with feelings of inadequacy, and this often results in displays of behaviour that are far from their usual moral compass.

Fortunately, with patience and understanding, it is possible to support her and help her to navigate without judging her choices. This can keep the lines of communication strong within the family, while providing a safe haven to turn to if things get out of hand.